I trust least the marriages wherein couples profess their intentions to frequently renew their vows.
Most do not, but some do this even on an annual basis. What for, I ask. What union needs that pressure?
The idea that peace, harmony AND romance MUST accompany an impending date every twelve months or so seems very problematic to me. Certainly when the early blush of matrimonial bliss is at peak, this all appears very do-able. After all, formal promises in a witnessed ceremony have just taken place. Usually, the whole "to-do" involved great contemplation and anticipation accompanied by passionate hopes for the long-term.
It's a bit like embarking upon weight loss. You have energized yourself with all this positive karma about a change-up in your life; a vision of yourself obtaining longlasting overall well-being. You're pumped up, and you're finally serious with the right mind-set. Once you reach your goal, it will be all about maintenence--the until-death-do-you-part kind.
You know what it feels like to lose enthusiasm over a diet, an out-of-date, broken-down car, a town or a job you've outgrown. Good though each may have been to you, sometimes it's just good to take pause, mull things over and sometimes even move on. Marriage is a little more serious than these things, even in these times. Most people still do not take the commitment lightly and most do not enter it without meaning for it to LAST.
A promise is a promise is a promise. If you believe marriage is a promise and you were one of the two central participants speaking the vows, the deal is sealed. Repeating them every so often doesn't make it a stronger promise; it may even cast doubt on the validity of the original promise.
Can you imagine being several years into a marriage of frequent renewals and finding that the next approaching one seems a bit much to muster enthusiasm over? Any honest marriage worth its salt has times when just getting through dinner and a movie together is a blessed achievement. It may just be a hill or a valley--a time to get through without alot of hoopla. The less fuss the less muss, and the beat can go on.
But to be several years in and one year abandon a renewal in discord--what does that do to the psyche of a union? Wouldn't the absence of what seemed such a vital tradition provoke thoughts as to the soundness of the partnership from then on? Once a renewal doesn't take place, can a couple ever go back? More importantly, can the twosome dial back and count their original, singular anniversary as good enough?
It should never be otherwise. The original date of your promise has always been good enough. Muddying the waters with too much emphasis on regularly getting into a celebratory and reconfirming mode invites a time when it's just not going to happen.
You didn't ask, but I'll say it anyway: If you are an idealistic one who thrives on the romanticism of vow renewals, STOP IT NOW. If you're not, but your daughter (or sister, or niece) is, STOP THEM NOW.
Conserve your emotional energy. Except for the occasional milestone, go your celebrations alone. Wasn't it supposed to be just the two of you in this marriage anyway?
Not very long ago a good friend spoke daily (to a number of us) about her upcoming renewal of vows. She and her husband had been doing this for years, she said. They invited near to a hundred people, and as planned a fairly good party took place. Friends and family showed up to enjoy cake and celebration, a bonfire and even trail (horseback) rides--the couple's favorite pastime.
Their tenth renewal went off without a hitch. (Except for the horses at the hitching post. Oh, and the fact that they essentially felt "newly hitched" again. Okay, sorry, enough.)
But not for long did they feel newly hitched. A couple of months later, my friend had her childrens' and her own bags packed with a "heads up" to the kids that if she gave the signal, they were to follow her, no questions asked.
Not a funny time at all. It took awhile, but thankfully differences seemed to get ironed out and the family is still together. But who needs to go through a renewal one month and a near-dissolution the next? Keeping a marriage on the bright side is tough enough without adding pressures that reach a breaking point by self-imposed expectations.
When it comes to the bonds of matrimony, take them seriously. Work at things, and understand that there will be times when "muddling through" is about the best you can do. These are the hills and the valleys. Usually, you'll laugh together again, if not about your hills and valleys, about the grandbabies antics or the way you both still can't sing but like to try.
When it comes to the idealism of vow-renewals, stop romancing that notion now, and let the chips fall where they may.
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